it’s really astonishing how many people i let wander in and out of my life so carelessly. i remember all the little things you did and said. i remember the first day we met, the first day we kissed, the first day we made pancakes together, the first time we fought. i remember all the boring stuff, all the day to day stuff. we stayed up late too many nights in a row, used too many phone minutes, spent way way way too much money on ourselves and each other. too many people in my life just got up and left. was it me who pushed you? would you have stuck around if i had been different?

i think about these things. i don’t want more people to sweep into my life, unassuming and silent, and then, with the crash of a door behind them, violently leave me standing in the dust, bewildered and not knowing the way home.

please, oh please god, let this time be different.